Today’s misread haiku

So it was the mush-
room’s black underpants that made
me smile and write this.

– Leonard Blumfeld (© 2015)

Note
Sometimes misreading something results in something more interesting than the intended word. Anyway, what I was supposed to read was “of the mushroom’s black underpleats” in Amy Newman’s poem Sylvia Plath Is in Paris with a Balloon on a Long String. That’s rather stating the obvious. We all know that mushrooms tend to be dark on the underside, even though it might not occur to just anyone to call that “black underpleats”. But a mushroom with black underpants – now that’s something that makes a leap as prescribed for poetry by Robert Bly.

A preposterous situation haiku

Supporting the weight
of the clouds. You’ve been doing
it for years, my girl.

– Leonard Blumfeld (© 2015)

Note
If there’s one kind of poetry I don’t like it’s the type that attempts to blow up a perfectly normal situation into something “poetic” (and subsequently usually asking rhetorical questions along the lines of “why oh why is this happening to oh so sensitive poor poor me”). Sometimes I picture these poems hitting their author in the face like a balloon burst from overinflation with all that fake meaning.

Back when we were hunters and gatherers

From the soon to be released book Diary of a turtle.

The Dr. Who haiku

Buzz. “Who is it?” “Who?”
“Doctor who? What do you want?”
“Ah, Dr. Woo! Nín hăo!”

– Leonard Blumfeld (© 2015)

Notes
The fun(ny)/weird haiku keep coming.
Short as usual and mercilessly.
Again with dialog. Against the rules.
(Nín hăo = hello in Chinese.)

The spy novel haiku

Dedicated to Len Deighton

Shot in the arm vein.
“Now speak the truth.” Was this to
be the end of me?

– Leonard Blumfeld (© 2015)

Note
This was inspired by various things I read, saw and associated this morning. Plus there are these novels in 3, 4 or 5 words going around. This one has 17, so it can be called an epic. And it can pride itself of having dialog, which is rare for a haiku.

5-minute aliens

Dedicated to Richard Brautigan

Watched five minutes of another Aliens invade the world movie. Actually, we’re doing such a good job of destroying the world ourselves that aliens are not needed.

– Leonard Blumfeld (© 2015)

Note
What poetic form would this be? There is such a thing as an American sentence (invented, I believe, by Allen Ginsberg in an attempt to Americanize the haiku). But this is two sentences. So it is a little more un-American than an American sentence, also in view of the fact it doesn’t pay attention to any particular number of syllables. This poem is dedicated to Richard Brautigan because he might have written a poem similar to this.

The infinite loop installation haiku

(An exercise in straining the imagination)

In the middle the
fallen lupodopteryx
right in the middle

– Leonard Blumfeld (© 2015)

Notes
How much of a haiku is allowed to be outside the haiku?
There is a lot that’s outside this one.
First of all the inspiration, which was a photo of some big animal that had died in an art installation (well, admittedly I’m sure it had died before if it had ever lived).
So I placed an equally huge animal in the middle of the haiku and made extra sure that it could be identified as the centerpiece by repeating the middle part.
But now comes the other thing that’s outside the haiku: the building this installation is in. The lupodopteryx is in the center of a central room, which is blocked off for visitors by ropes strung up between the columns supporting the structure. This room is surrounded by a ring-like hallway, from which the lupodopteryx can be seen through the spaces between the columns.
Any gallery or museum dying to house this installation is most welcome to contact me.

The Sunday morning wake-up fib

Not
a
thing is
better than
waking up from the
thunderous farts of a motor-
cycle at 6 a.m. right in front of your window

– Leonard Blumfeld (© 2015)

Note
I know, I know – today’s not Sunday. But the thunderous memories from last Sunday kept inspiring me...

Apple innovation slowing down?

Let me assure you that there’s no need to worry – there are many new, exciting and absolutely groundbreaking products in the iPipeline. Here’s a short list (in alphabetical order by product name) of what to look forward to within the near future:

• The Big iMac – an entire range of affordable products to be sold at selected so-called high-speed edibles technology distribution centers.

• The iBod – this is Apple’s answer to mankind’s body shaping needs. Everyone will have the new body they desire within weeks of purchasing this fascinating product. And Apple will know everything about every customer’s body.

• The iBot – the household and garden robot bound to relieve you of pleasant as well as unpleasant chores.

• The iCare – has nothing to do with eye care. It’s all about the people that care about Apple products.

• The iDiot – currently not under active development. A lot of these are already around, and many of them already own iProducts. However, the rounded corners and general flatness of this product have already been patented.

• The iDot – this fascinating high-tech product will go far beyond the dot on the i.

• The iDyll – name of Apple’s entry in the romantic travel market. Will be operated through a piece of software similar to iTunes unless integrated in iTunes. 

• The iGod – this product is so advanced and innovative some call it blasphemous or religious. This may not be the final product name.

• The iLiad – a product for the electronic literacy market still shrouded in mystery. Intended to beat the iSocks off Kindle and the likes. Used to be copyrighted by an entity named Homer, but copyright has expired and not been renewed.

• The iPaddy – a special green version of a known product for the Irish market. Comes with a transparent clover leaf instead of the bitten apple.

• The iSil – this product, squarely aimed at Clearasil, was intended to blast Apple into the lucrative skin care market. However, product development has been put on hold due to negative publicity for a group with a very similar name. Product will have a bright future once these difficulties have been sorted out.

• The iSis – originally intended as Apple’s response to the rapid growth sissy market, there is currently a negative trend for this name as a result of a militant group which has illegally usurped it. Product development put on hold. Product will have a bright future once these difficulties have been sorted out.

• The iSod – shares some features with the iDiot, further details not yet known.
• iStar – while everyone’s talking about cloud computing, Apple is already taking the next logical step: star computing is storage that is as remote as it gets. And no, it is not light years away!

• The iUber – not much is known about this product except that the name has already been patented. It is rumored that it is in line with the current popularity of the German prefix über (from which the two dots on the u are usually dropped because the character is not found on English keyboards), which usually designates something superior or superordinate.

Will Apple be able to deliver and sustain innovation, shareholder value and inflated product prices over the years to come despite maturing markets for its current products? Given the multitude of leading edge developments outlined above, the answer can only be a glaring YES!

– Leonard Blumfeld (©, ®, ™, ℠, etc. 2015)

The faded memory haiku

And in retrospect
even that mighty lion
seems small and mousy.

– Leonard Blumfeld (© 2015)

Inevitable notes
Even though I take pride in not wasting words in haiku, I left in the leading “And” – it works well as some sort of intro; try it out for yourself and remove it, and you’ll see that the poem starts too abruptly. Also, when I was writing this in my mind, I had a “somewhat” qualify the “mousy”. However, shortage of syllables available lets you have it full blast now.