Alchemy

I could use a little now and then.

Even right now. Limbo is impending, even though not quite upon me yet – my work situation is about to change radically. I won't work in the same place any longer, won't be around the same people, some of whom have become friends over the nearly three years I've been here.

I have all intentions to bid good-bye to my beloved, who is among these people. I've come to the conclusion that it will be best to cut ties completely to regain peace of mind and peace of heart.

So – let me try and work some alchemy, generate light that shines and points me in the right direction.

– Leonard "Alchemist" Blumfeld

Posted for Sunday Scribblings and Alchemy.

Dealing in conditional

Do you know
how much easier it is
to deal in muddled
but, if, if only
and I don’t know
than in bright
shiny yes or no?

– Leonard Blumfeld (© 2010)

Written and posted for Sunday Scribblings.

Dialog with my horoscope

The horoscope said:
a. You might suddenly desire a big change, Chayote. b. The energy of the day could make you impatient. c. You might feel restless. d. Maybe you realize that you are growing tired of your current job. e. You could crave more creative stimulation and personal challenge. f. Or perhaps you are feeling like you and your romantic partner have become stuck in a rut. g. Find some ways to spice up this important relationship.

I say:
a. Not even suddenly. I've been wanting big change for a long time. But the picture of it is fuzzy.
b. This has actually been an exhausting day, even though it began with good energy from yoga. Several misunderstandings followed, and I felt like an incompetent fool for hours, with my head completely in the clouds, not relating to people right.
c. Yes.
d. It's been worse, but I am definitely tired of it.
e. More creative stimulation would be good. More personal challenge I can do without. I feel challenged enough.
f. Yes, definitely. Even though she qualifies as my romantic partner primarily in my own imagination and in some friends' gossip. They keep seeing us together and putting 2 and 2 together and arriving at 6 1/2 or whatever. And I'm not telling anything.
g. That would be good.

That's all for now, folks.

L.B.

Today's horoscope says romance

Romance is in the air today, L.B. Take that special woman in your life and do something completely different. Get last-minute tickets to a rock concert, or arrange to spend the day canoeing. Do something to shake up your relationship a bit. It is at risk of becoming a bit stale. If there is no one special in your life right now, call a good friend to see if he can set you up with someone. This is no time to be alone!

No, this does not feel like a romantic day at all. I'm afraid the computer that put this horoscope together is even more wrong than usual.

A. That special woman in my life - if I may call her that - would definitely not be thrilled by a last-minute rock concert. She prefers classical or Russian. And canoeing is out. Did that computer take into account the weather hereabouts? This is more the time for ice skating than water sports.

B. Yes, things are a bit stale in that they're not moving at all. Haven't been much in over a year. In fact, calling it a relationship at all would be exaggerating. Even though there are relationships of all kinds. This is definitely one of all kinds.

C. I wouldn't know which friend to call for that.

D. I completely agree - this ain't no time to be alone. Nobody should be. Not even a recluse* such as I.

* I've been called that by my dear ex-wife numerous times (always feeling that I'd been completely misunderstood in 19 years of marriage). And a British friend recently called himself that and seemed to imply the same for me. The truth: I'm just like anybody else, need time with others and time by myself.

Len "Temporarily Recluded" Blumfeld

Triptych

Drain

Yes, dear, I missed the drain.
Now there’s a mess in the kitchen.

Epic

You never wrote that epic
you were going to write, dear.

Nibble

Yes, but I’ve taken a few nibbles
of life. Perhaps that’s all
it’s about. Less epic than
planned, for sure,
but not entirely down the drain.

– Leonard “He Who Nibbles and Drains” Blumfeld

Written to include Drain, Epic and Nibble from 3WW.

Oedipal fib

Caught
up
with my-
self after
all: my mother is the
one I’m seeking in all women.

– Leonard “Finally Sly” Blumfeld (© 2010)

Note: There appears to be some truth to this – generally, the women that appeal to me are similar to my mother, usually in several respects: difficult, negative, depressive, coy, vain, capricious, gifted, always late. You may get a vague picture. I feel trapped.

Do I call it dare?

What have I dared this year?

Like a trapeze artist without a backup net, I dared to break off a relationship with a woman who was in love with me (at least she told me so, and it looked like it to me). Why? I did not love her the same way. I was in love with her briefly, but the initial infatuation faded within a few weeks, to be replaced by thoughts of the woman I was really in love with, had loved for close to a year and had attempted to forget by starting a relationship with another.

Alas, my beloved one told me in very clear words that she did not reciprocate (on one occasion) and that she saw no future for us (on another occasion).

Still, I dared to follow my heart and received, in the course of this year, ups and downs galore, a few days of happiness with my beloved and other days of piercing pain.

All in all I often feel like I'm living in two worlds (similar to J. Nash in A Beautiful Mind) that are both cohesive in themselves ... but of which only one is real. Yes, you guessed it, it's the one with the piercing pain.

Hopefully it's all good for something. Some learning experience perhaps.

Daring or idiocy? That is the question.

- Leonard "Truth or Dare" Blumfeld

Written upon inspiration by Sunday Scribblings. Many of the ups and downs mentioned are recorded in this blog in more or less subtly encrypted form.

So grave

"Something grave happened today!"
"What do you mean?"
"Your lithe body is no longer lithe. Did someone offend you? Did I offend you?"

She cried on my shoulder.
"You would never offend me. You couldn't possibly."
"You never know. – But tell me what happened."
"It's silly. I'm sure I'm exaggerating. Except that I can't help but feeling down like this."
"Tell me."
"My daughter loathes me, and I got my income tax statement back today. I owe them money and I don't have any! How can this be?"
"Now, now. We'll look at this one at a time. First off, why do you think your daughter loathes you?"

She told me about both troubles, and some of her litheness returned as she was doing so and we were thinking of ways for her to come out of the fog – familial and financial.

– Leonard "Some Shoulder to Cry on" Blumfeld

Written around grave, lithe and offend from 3WW.

The without you fib

For A.B.

How
long
will I
find ways in
myself to suffer
spending so much time without you?

– Leonard “Without Her” Blumfeld (© 2009)

Posted as an entry for Sunday Scribblings' Weird. What's the connection – what does this fibonacci have to do with weirdness? Well, it's about the weird game of perceived true love, perceived self-deception, renewed hope, renewed attraction, inability to let go I've been playing with and against myself for close to two years now. What stamina! That is weird, isn't it?

Alternating current

Looks like the downward half of the sinusoidal curve is here again.
Friendly, noncommittal treatment. Turndowns I find offensive because they go overboard in being turndowns.
Like this:
"Would you like half of one of these?"
"No, I don't like chocolate crescents."
"I normally don't like them much, either. But they looked so cute with the chocolate stripes on top I couldn't resist."
"Without the chocolate stripes I would have liked them."
Get the point?

Leonard "Raging Inside" Blumfeld

She's doing it again...

(For A.B., as usual)

Just for the momentary* record: she's doing it again –
sending me to a different world as in She says.

L.B.

* Who knows how long this phase will last in this oh so mercurial sentimental world of mine.

The fucked-up love life fib

The
man
needs to
be active
so he can forget
about his fucked-up love life. Yeah.

– Leonard “Fucked Up” Blumfeld (© 2009)

Cipation

I’m at a curious stage now, where there’s a lull induced by a two-week vacation. Everything’s on hold, sort of, and, apart from a framework of some planned work and engagements, I do not know what will happen afterwards regarding a certain person. Make that two. Nothing might happen. Things might go on as suspended and stop-and-go as they have been. “Keep on patiently, like you have been,” the Italian tarot lady said, “trust your feeling and do not listen to anyone else.” So I keep it up, more or less, wavering, just like anybody else, between hope and disillusionment. Some sort of cipation. Not quite anti.

– Leonard “Antipicator” Blumfeld

Written for Sunday Scribblings and Anticipate.

Up the creek without a paddle

Has that ever happened to you?
You were paddling along just fine downriver, with one useful but unloved paddle in one hand and about half of another paddle somewhere in between hand and bush, when that unloved paddle became too unloved and the longing for the half-paddle became more important?
Eventually, you got disgruntled enough to discard the unloved albeit useful paddle, suddenly found yourself going upriver, and the half-paddle turned out to be entirely elusive?
OK, so I'm talking in riddles here, but the situation is pretty clear: up shit creek without a paddle.
Scared shitless and almost willing to turn around again to grasp for what might remain of the unloved paddle...

– Len "Master of Self-Inflicted Riddles" Blumfeld

Good things combine

It's another grey day, with the clouds vacillating between letting go (mildly) and holding back but remaining grey and threatening.
A headache has been at work in the back of my head.
They're killing trees out in the backyard.
The motor saw is adding to the entertainment.

– Leonard "Razor Edge" Blumfeld

In the sky - cruising and vacationing

Today's horoscope for the coming week said:

You enjoy being in control, Capricorn, but this week the Universe shows you that it's not always possible for you to be in charge. You may decide you like taking it easy! Mercury turns retrograde on Wednesday. You'll play catch-up with the people and events in your life for the next three weeks. This is a great time to relax and swing in a hammock. On Saturday a new vista opens for you as the Moon in your sector of travel conjuncts your ruler, Saturn. You may embark on a long cruise or sign up for an exotic vacation.

• For a long time I've had the feeling that I'm not very much in control. It's been more like an inescapable road to follow, with some traffic lights and yield or stop signs for guidance.
• Glad to know that the Universe with a capital U is behind it all.
• They guessed right – I like taking it easy. I like things served on a platter, all nicely garnished and ready for the taking. Alas, that's not the way it works, and I'd be very surprised if it did next week.
• Don't have no hammock and don't even like 'em very much, to be honest.
• If it were up to horoscopes, I would have gone on long cruises a lot over the years. Exotic vacation? Perhaps Kazakhstan ... I've been getting interested in it due to infatuation with one of its citizens.
• I'll see, but I'm not holding my breath.
  

Breath from beyond

Breath from beyond

Acrylic and ink on paper, 2006

For Inspire Me Thursday's Breath.
My mother passed away last Friday. Whenever I go
back to look at her, I still expect her to start breathing
again any moment.
This won't happen, of course. If there were any breath,
it would be from beyond, as in the painting. Life,
colors and breathing are underneath the blackness.

Definitely human

A cautious human,
maybe too
cautious at times

Written using today’s three words from 3WW – cautious, human, maybe.

– Leonard Blumfeld

I’ll wear a mask for you

I’ll wear a mask for you
– Leonard Cohen

I did that for you
and kept the mask on for many days

At first I didn’t know
where my breathing problems came from

It got worse and worse
I was near suffocation most of the time

You were beginning to look at me strangely,
as at someone you didn’t recognize

I went for medical help,
explained the situation

“Is it that black thing you have on?”
the doctor said

“Now why would you wear that?”
“To please her,

and because I know
she wouldn’t like me without.

What should I do?”
“Take it off. The mask is the source

of your problems.”
“But I will lose her. She’ll be terrified.”

“How do you know?
She’s never seen you without.”

I followed doctor’s orders
and removed the mask.

“Who are you?” you said
My new looks did not please you

It wasn’t long before you left me
I went back to the doctor’s office

“Your breathing is much improved,
your face looks quite relaxed.

How come you’re back?”
“She’s gone. She wanted that mask.”

“You must decide what you want.
My guess is that she is not what you want.”

And with those words
my doctor dismissed me and closed the door

– Leonard Blumfeld

Inspired by the Lyrics and Verse Challenge at Poets Who Blog.

In the green zone

This is a green sticker for a German low emission zone. Such zones were decreed this March in several cities of Germany. Cars that do not have a sticker are not allowed in low emission zones, i.e. if you're caught without you get fined. There are green (da cleanest), yellow (not so good) and red (barely passable, mostly diesel engines) stickers. The sense or nonsense of this government measure is subject to heated discussion. Owners of older cars – who tend to be the less affluent – are pissed because they are forced to either invest in a particle filter (which is not even available for some makes) or to get another car. While their old polluter will continue polluting somewhere else where there are no low emission zones – most likely in an East European country. While the main polluter still remains the industry, etc., etc.

Another and the final contribution to Anna Carson's Project Green, which comes to an end with take nine.